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10
April – June 2013
www.deltalivingmagazine.com
By Will Durst
durst.will@yahoo.com
S
o you want to be a comic. Great. Terrif-
ic. Just what I need. More competition.
But as long as you got this silly idea planted in
your wee skull, allow me to say: welcome to
the best job in the world. Sometimes.When it
works it’s better than anything. Sex or drugs or
rock and roll.Your job, should you choose to
accept it, (although I highly suggest you look
around and find something more civilized like
grinding boulders into a fine dust utilizing
nothing but a dessert spoon) is to attempt to
make people laugh out loud on purpose against
their will.And no matter what anybody says, it’s
an honorable profession. Comics are the fighter
pilots of show business. A man and a micro-
phone: the final frontier. Get ready for the ride
of your life. But beware, comedy is like malaria.
Once it gets in your blood, it’ll never leave you.
You may experience periods of remission but
comedy is always there. Lurking.Waiting.To get
back on stage.
What you will need to get started. In order
of importance.
One. A Cast Iron Ego. “NO!” Get used to
it. You will hear it often. Rejection will be-
come a lifelong companion. Embrace it and
all of its synonyms. You will die more times
than not.When you first start out, you will die
30 times out of 40. Once a triple digit comic,
after doing it 100 times, the ratio will de-
crease to 20/20. After 1000 times, you might
whittle it down to only dying 10 out of 40
times. Because comedy is so ephemeral and
variables change with every date and venue,
doesn’t matter if you’ve won awards and sold
out arenas, it still happens.You will still die one
time out of 40. Don’t believe me? Watch the
movie “Comedian” where Jerry Seinfeld tries
to return to the comedy stage after leaving his
sitcom. By that point, you’ll realize it’s not al-
ways your fault. Until then, yes, it is.
Two. Your First Five Minutes of Material.
Actually, this may be the most important thing.
Let me think. No. A will of steel is still prime.
But the first five minutes you take on stage
will be your calling card.You are the jokes you
tell. Repeat it over and over and over and over.
Write it down.Read it aloud and listen to it on
headphones. Memorize it till it’s imprinted on
your DNA. Once you get to the club there are
enough other things to worry about.Where you
are in the line-up. Friendly and not-so-friendly
audience members. The lights. The stage. The
microphone. Dropped trays. Family members
come to cheer you on. Drunks. Obstreperous
club owners.Drunk club owners.Drunk family
members come to cheer you on. Ex-girlfriends.
Ex-comics. Comics’ ex-girlfriends.The act that
goes on stage in front of you and juggles fired
kittens while riding a unicycle. The last thing
you need to worry about is your material.
Three. Persistence. Don’t ever give up. The
only ones still doing it are the ones who never
quit.To be in the right place at the right time,
you got to be in a lot of wrong places first. I
know two guys who told jokes on stage twice.
First time they killed. Both of them.They knew
their material backwards and forwards. Had
even salted the crowd with friends for support.
Second time, who knows what happened.They
might have cruised. The crowd could have
been out of it. Maybe they just lost their edge.
Whatever. Second time, both guys died hor-
rible deaths.And they couldn’t handle it. Same
material that killed first time around and now
the audience doesn’t buy it. That’s the
way it goes. But they never went back
up. Neither of them. Couldn’t handle
it.Two of the best writers I ever met.
They both still make a living writing.
But never again as stand- ups.
Four. Unlimited Time or Money.
You will need plenty of one or the
other. Because if you’re just starting
out, even if you’re really really good,
it’ll take a hundred years before you
earn a living. If you have money, you
can wait it out. If you don’t, try to
make a living in something on the
periphery of comedy. Theater. Radio.
Television. Journalism.The craft services
industry. A bar. And stop with the whole
pride thing. Do whatever it takes. Starting
out we knew a guy who wasn’t just an actor,
he was anACTOR.Refused to deign to do
commercials. But he was always broke. So
we finally convinced him to audition for
one, and the guy doing the sound was filling in
for the real sound guy who was sick.Turns out
the replacement guy was a real FILM director
who loved our buddy and cast him as second
lead in his next movie. Do anything and every-
thing. Never say no.The movie? Oh my living
God. It was dreck. Straight to video. But still.
Five.Other stuff.You’ll need a bunch of oth-
er stuff. Luck.A nice headshot.A professionally
written bio. Luck.And a website with a phone
number so people can get in touch of you. But
your head is probably spinning right now.Work
on that for awhile.
Will Durst is a San Francisco based political
comedian whose e- book "Elect to Laugh" is
available on Amazon and e-
retailers near you.His new
"Super Secret Boomer
Project" will be open-
ing at the SF Marsh on
April 16. Visit him at
www.willdurst.com.
5 things every comic
wannabe needs
The Essentials
DELTA
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